The Gospel of Goddard:

Eighth Visit

Drew Goddard says:
(Thu Oct 31 01:20:54 2002) []

Hey – we’re stuck on a story point. Maybe you guys can help us. Who would you rather see Buffy fall in love with: a new half-man/half-mummy character played by George Plimpton or a re-animated Principal Snyder?

I’m sort of leaning towards a re-animated Principal Snyder because I feel like Buffy’s always had a thing for short, somewhat-authoritative figures, but I do see the inherent character advantages of a Plimpton guest spot (not to mention the ratings boost we’ll get.) Thoughts?

Drew Goddard says:
(Thu Oct 31 01:23:08 2002) []

Hey – I have a new color. How 'bout that. Blood red. Is it hard to read?
Drew Goddard says:
(Thu Oct 31 01:49:49 2002) []
I’m ducking in and out while we’re working here, so if I drop away for a little bit and then come back and fail to answer any questions at all, well, don’t freak out. I’ll do my best, though.

Dachelle, I’m really happy you’re here as well. How’s school?

You’re starting to freak me out a little with the website and the merchandise and all. Do people really want this much Goddard? I’d like to encourage fan support, but I’d like to discourage people stalking me. Maybe we should only sacrifice goats to me on Wednesdays, for instance.

I think the succubus club sounds fun. Hopefully we can make that work. I'll talk to the other writers -- they probably know how to get a hold of them.

Strangestgirl – Cool. I’m glad you liked it.

Ah Rufus – there will always be a special place in my heart for my uncooperative minion.

Aramisdc – that’s the best idea I’ve heard since Doug suggested getting Iron Maiden to play at the Bronze.

Hostile 17 – that song was all Joss Whedon. Bless his enormous brain.

Y-slaybelle – strangely enough, my favorite reviews are ones where the reviews deteriorate into shameless professions of love for me.

Tralf – I’m glad you were here for a little while, at least. Good luck with all that fancy learning stuff you got going on.

Old One – I work at UPN so I know these things. Tonight’s Enterprise is actually loosely based on Gleaming the Cube.

Drew Goddard says:
(Thu Oct 31 02:02:59 2002) []

I’m supposed to do an interview with Star Wars Insider soon. Is this the best job ever or what?

TheZeppo – here’s a good rule of thumb: if you’re watching an episode and you think something’s cool, funny, inspired, original, or unbelievably moving, then in all likelihood Joss or Marti came up with it. If you’re watching and you think something is hackneyed, lazy, offensive, flat-out boring, or an obscure Iron Maiden reference, then there’s a good chance it was one of us.

Partyman – I would say by all means, make dirty jokes about it, but I do defer to Dachelle on all matters Minion-related. She's the Queen, after all. And I was talking about the movie. Wait until you see Bakula’s Slater interpretation.

Angelic wicca – I actually don’t have an answer for you on that. I can say only this: I sure hope not.

I have to go down to set. Back in a bit.

Drew Goddard says:
(Thu Oct 31 03:37:51 2002) []

Okay, I'm back. What did I miss? Could someone please summarize all the important questions/comments for me?

Drew Goddard says:
(Thu Oct 31 04:06:49 2002) []

Is it really Y_slaybelle’s birthday? Happy birthday. And Happy birthday halfrek (by the way – sorry about the whole killing you thing.)

BlackMagickBitsy – if your script is good enough, you can make some demands, but it better be really, really good (and even then, it’s gonna be a fight.) Your best bet is to pack your script with as much sex, violence, and monkeys as you possibly can. I don’t know exactly what that will do for you, but it sounds like a good movie, doesn’t it? Also, maybe add a zombie.

Has anyone seen that movie where the zombie fights the shark?

OldManFan – I’ve been a Buffy fanatic since the early days. No reference explaining necessary.

HiddenSky – did you know in the Star Trek ride in Las Vegas the shuttle you’re on is called the Goddard? It’s pretty cool, because you get to hear Riker yell things like “Goddard! Get the hell out of there!” and “Goddard! You’re our only hope.”

Okay, I guess that’s really only cool if you’re me. Or my mom. Actually, she probably doesn’t know who Riker is. Okay, just me.

Ducky, Goddess, Hello Cutie, SlayerNextDoor – You’re just gonna have to keep watching. But the line was, “Scream ‘Montresor’ all you like, pet.”

(When I was on set that day, by the way, I told them to change the line to “Scream ‘Montessori’ all you like, pet.” I explained that Spike was reacting to Buffy’s advanced teaching system that emphasized accelerated learning in a child’s first twelve years. Not one person laughed. Everyone just nodded and started changing the line. I swear to Christ, nobody gets me.)

Have to go back down to set. Back soon.

Drew Goddard says:
(Thu Oct 31 05:20:09 2002) []

Okay, I'm back. What are we talking about?

Drew Goddard says:
(Thu Oct 31 05:40:56 2002) []

Dachelle, I’m not unhappy with or scared of you – you’re my favorite. C’mon, baby. I just want to stress that you are now in charge of keeping people from stalking me. That’s all. Do it in any way you see fit.

Now let’s talk about this audition. Keep this in mind: you are my Minion, therefore you are better than everyone else. I’m sure you knocked ‘em dead. If for some strange reason you do not get that part, then clearly you have been manipulated by some evil empire (quite possibly the Bush family, since you live in Texas) and they are keeping you down because they fear your power. Fret not, as we are assembling our own evil empire to ensure these sorts of things (not getting parts in plays) never, ever happen to good people again. Or I mean, evil people again. Whatever we are. People shouldn’t mess with us. That’s my point.

And yes, we’re shooting my next one and yes, set is a lot of fun. I mean, I get to hang out with the cast of Buffy. And occasionally make jokes about Montessori that nobody gets. And there’s always lots of food there. And sometimes there are goats there, and sometimes there are pigs there, and sometimes Abe Benrubi runs around and people yell “Troll!” at the top of their lungs. What more could a boy ask for?

Drew Goddard says:
(Thu Oct 31 06:13:01 2002) []
Edited: Thu Oct 31 06:23:42 2002

TheZeppo – That’s a good question. Cal’s right (the Wish was in an alternate reality) but also, look at Buffy’s motivation. From her point of view, it’s not about undoing a wish, it’s about stopping a demon who’s slaughtering people. So that brings up the question why doesn’t Anya smash her necklace herself, and I don’t necessarily want to answer that question outright because I feel the answer ties into what the episode is about and it’s more fun if you guys bring your points of view and ideas to that debate. (Ah yes, we’re getting into Roland Barthes territory here, damnit Goddard, how pretentious can you possibly be?) But I will ask this: a.) do you really think D’Hoffryn would let her get off that easy (he does have a tendency to change the rules as he sees fit) and b.) more importantly, despite what she says, is Anya simply trying to undo her vengeance spell at the end or does it go deeper than that?

Okay, I’m done being all pretentious. Let’s talk about goats some more.

Oh, while we’re on the subject of D’Hoffryn, let’s give a quick shout-out to Andy Umberger. Is he awesome or what? His delivery of the Abecrombie and Fitch line was one of the highlights of my professional career. I love that man.

Drew Goddard says:
(Thu Oct 31 06:20:49 2002) []

Becca – here’s my advice: suck it up, keep writing, and don’t be afraid to show your work to people. Some people will tell you you’re no good, some people will say give up, some people will say things like “I don’t understand who Lloyd is – that line makes no sense.” Ignore those people. Keep your head down, keep writing. Most people don’t succeed simply because they give up too soon. Also, they don’t put enough zombies in their stories. Keep that in mind too.

I have so many Minions now – we should do a Minion address.

Drew Goddard says:
(Thu Oct 31 06:36:12 2002) []

Supersized Fry – whoa boy, have you hit on a touchy subject with me. Let’s just say that there are things that we here at ME have no control over and these said things sometimes make me want to beat my head against the wall until I knock myself flat out. Rest assured, there is nobody who hates these things of which we will not directly speak more than we do, and we’re doing our best to change them. But that boat turns very, very slowly.

Artie – how about this: will there be a mention of Billy Idol in next week’s Buffy?

Ducky – I think Nebraska’s probably a likely location for the mouth of Hell itself.

Okay, I'm almost done with this Minion address, and then I have to go...

Drew Goddard says:
(Thu Oct 31 06:45:37 2002) []

Okay gang, gotta go. Thanks for hanging out with me. Sorry if I missed your question.

And now, I turn my full attention to my Minions, whom I love dearly and who will forgive me if I accidentally just misused “who” and “whom” in this sentence:

Minions, ‘tis I, the Ultimate One. We grow mighty. We shall soon know absolute power. Which is nice. For us. But for now our work continues, and we soldier forth. As we do so, keep the following things in mind:

1. I am Ultimate Drew. I am very smart. And easy on the eyes.
2. You, as my Minions, are also very smart and easy on the eyes. Though slightly less so than I am, which is still quite good, so don’t despair. Frankly, it’s unfair to use me as the standard, as I throw the whole curve out of whack.
3. My Minions are the finest minions in all the land, and as a result, you deserve constant adulation from everyone you encounter.
4. If you encounter someone who does not adulate to you, kindly inform them that they should, and if at that point they still do not, give them the finger and perhaps a stern talking to.
5. All Minions should vote in the upcoming elections. The Minion voice must be heard.
6. As Minions, it is your duty to mention my name as much as possible, even if it does not seem to fit in the conversation you are having. For instance, if you are talking to a telephone repairman of some sort and he says something like, “I can install a second line for an extra twenty bucks,” you could say, “That seems like a fair deal. Drew Goddard is a genius.” And then he might say “I don’t know what you are talking about, I am a telephone repairman of some sort.” And you could say, “Drew Goddard is a writer.” And then he could say, “If twenty bucks is okay, I could get started on that second line right away.” And you could say, “It’s a deal,” and shake his hand on a job well done.

Job well done.

Ultimate Drew


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