On Tuesday, Sept. 24, 2002, Our Leader issued a call to action for all members of the Minion community to spread word of his greatness throughout the far-flung corners of the world. Minions are encouraged to take steps to immediately implement the steps suggested by Ultimate Drew. As Our Leader admits, this mission won't be easy. Some of you may not come back, but your name will live on in glory forever. As long as your name is Drew Goddard.
Faithful Minions, it is I, your leader. As I look over you today, one word springs to mind: “Magnificent.” Our ranks grow daily. Soon our power will reach epic proportions. This is excellent.
But there is work to be done. People to recruit. Clandestine meetings to be scheduled. Secret code words to be figured out. Young minds to subvert. Things about me to praise.
Nobody said this would be easy. But damnit, there’s no other group of people on the face of the Earth that I’d want to be down here in the trenches with me.
Keep the following things in mind:
1. You are my Minions. As my Minions, you represent me at all times. So make sure to always act cool. Like I do.
2. As Minions, you will find that people treat you differently. This is because you are better than them. Don’t hold it against them if they resent you.
3. But also, don’t take any crap from anyone.
4. If you ever get a flat tire, try to make someone else change it for you. You’d be surprised at how much weight my name carries.
5. We have a secret handshake now. Make sure you learn it. If you need to, practice on a mannequin or a small, unassuming man. Or a priest of some sort.
6. The Glory that is me can change the world. Especially if that Glory is talked about loudly and belligerently at parties. One person at a time, that’s our motto.
One person at a time.
Ultimate Drew
On Oct. 31,2002, Our Leader provided additional guidance for the Minion Mission.
Minions, ‘tis I, the Ultimate One. We grow mighty. We shall soon know absolute power. Which is nice. For us. But for now our work continues, and we soldier forth. As we do so, keep the following things in mind:
1. I am Ultimate Drew. I am very smart. And easy on the eyes.
2. You, as my Minions, are also very smart and easy on the eyes. Though slightly less so than I am, which is still quite good, so don’t despair. Frankly, it’s unfair to use me as the standard, as I throw the whole curve out of whack.
3. My Minions are the finest minions in all the land, and as a result, you deserve constant adulation from everyone you encounter.
4. If you encounter someone who does not adulate to you, kindly inform them that they should, and if at that point they still do not, give them the finger and perhaps a stern talking to.
5. All Minions should vote in the upcoming elections. The Minion voice must be heard.
6. As Minions, it is your duty to mention my name as much as possible, even if it does not seem to fit in the conversation you are having. For instance, if you are talking to a telephone repairman of some sort and he says something like, “I can install a second line for an extra twenty bucks,” you could say, “That seems like a fair deal. Drew Goddard is a genius.” And then he might say “I don’t know what you are talking about, I am a telephone repairman of some sort.” And you could say, “Drew Goddard is a writer.” And then he could say, “If twenty bucks is okay, I could get started on that second line right away.” And you could say, “It’s a deal,” and shake his hand on a job well done.
Job well done.
Ultimate Drew